Through the ocean spilling from your eyes,
can you laugh at the world’s sorrow,
simply because it is so ironic?
If you had a chance to never have existed,
would you take it?
And do those words scare you?
Do you think that I would do it?
But I whisper,
I
don’t
know.
She said she was taking me to see you,
because it might be the last time.
If you hated the world so much,
that you would take yourself away,
what made you think I would like it any better?
Father, I’m too much like you.
So you would leave me here?
Drowning on the inside?
Don’t
you
dare.
Or I’m coming with you.
They shouldn’t make hospital walls white.
Or maybe they just don’t know,
That white is the color of fear.
And can you hear what the silence is telling you?
Its saying that the world is crumbling.
Stone,
by
stone.
It is falling.
Just make sure it doesn’t crush you.
You know, it could happen so easily.
And you better take out your umbrella now,
because the sky is crying.
And make sure that the rain doesn’t touch you.
Because sorrow is the world’s harshest form of destruction.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Heya!
I agree with LivinginFantasy about the line breaks. In poetry, there are no rules aside from our standard punctuation, it can even be written in paragraphs! But we use breaks commonly and if you read some you will notice that each line serves a purpose. For example:
Those last three lines could easily be one. In fact, the graphology would have a more present meaning, we would be drawn the that point.
Now, on to the actual content:
This doesn't make a lot of sense, quite frankly. Forget the abstract imagery, just tell us--be specific about what you are trying to say. If you had gone to directly explain this part, then I would be fine with this part. The first line simply doesn't correlate with the poem; it's as if you're writing the first thing to come into your mind=not good.
To conclude, this has potential and I can see what you're trying to say. Some parts were lovely but don't let abstraction overpower your fluidity. The emotion here was superb and I loved those words, but I felt it was clouded by everything else going on.
Best,
hey hey you... i can say i liked it overall, yea i did... the opening kastanza was good, like said by these other people, but liek what that guy said about doitn stuff like
this
like
make
it
sound
monotone
but
only
if
you
do
this
for
a
long
time. you see what im sayin? not you, author of poem, but guy who said that, he uses the line breaks for like 3 or four words, which DOES give the effect of the affect.. or the affect of the effect.. anybody know any good acryonyms or memory devices to remember which effects which or which is affecting which.. did i get it right? sorry, if you think im being stupid on purpose but that was an actual tangent i just ranted into... so get back to me on that one... and so now... oh yes.. it gets what i believe he is trying to get acrosss.. what you wanna fight about it? cause like
dont
you
dare
see arnt you intimidated now, and dont tlel me that doesnt sound like an abusive mother telling her son not to eat that last cookie? it does ot me.. and i think thats what.. hold on let me fidn your name... ok idling star.. i think thats what star wanted to get across. right? right. now. im not sure what this whole thing was about.. . first i thought it was about something about suicide.. then somehting about a preist killing himself.. then i thoguht that probglably wouldnt be logical.. so then i thought about that her dad brang him or her to see him cause she was gonna kill herself.. so basically i just got the message that.. sorrow is bad.. and when people die it causes the world sorrow? and sorrows bad? anyway.... do you know what that spoiler tab means... is that like so you can tell the reader what you were think ing or somthing.. hey im gonna add you as a friend.. accept me or ill... oh i dont know.. just do it. thanks
me.
and ps
i twould be nice if you returned the favor (cricking/reviewing your work) and cricktiqe/review mine! thanks
me.
oh and pss.. no im kidding.
thanks
Mod Edit: Please do not swear in reviews.
Wonderfully written.
I like how some of the words were written differently to the rest of the stanza, it put emphasis on those lines, making them stand out from the rest and forcing the reader to take note of the emotion.
One thing I particularly liked was the feeling of looking in on this poem from the outside. There was a detatched and disconnected feeling to it that fit perfectly.
I also liked how most of your stanzas had questions in them, it gave the poem a feeling of continuity, and also drew empathy from the reader.
All in all, I loved it, really well done, good job.
Beautifully written and chock full of emotion.
The opening stanza is gorgeous. Perfect.
My only nitpicks with the rest:
I dislike that both of those end with "it", especially since the its refer to different things (not grossly different, mind you, but different nonetheless).
While I love the concept behind this, I think that it could be worded more cleanly. It seems to have too many syllables to fit the pattern of the previous lines, and makes the flow stumble just a tad.
I also agree with Livinginfantasy about the one-word line breaks, and think that they would work better just as separated lines.
Other than that I thought it was lovely. I look forward to reading more from you!
Avens
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it...
I think I understand what you mean about those weird line breaks. I wanted a kind of separated effect. Sort of as if there were a period after each word, but I agree that it didn't work too well... I'll have to find a way to fix that...
Anyway... thanks for commenting!
Bravo!
As you can tell, I liked it alot. The word choice... very nice.
But there's one thing...
Read this aloud, please:
I
Don't
Think
Making
Some
Of
The
Words
Like
This
Had
The
Effect
You
Wanted
Get what I mean? I think as a substitute for that, You should make it a whole other stanza... Unless that is what you were going for. If so, then it didn't work. For me at least. Too Choppy.
Loved the ending! I thought it was the perfect way to wrap it up!